To the Fallen

Posted on Fri Jul 19th, 2024 @ 11:25pm by Lieutenant Alexis Ryan & Lieutenant Commander Finnley Keating VII

Mission: Character Development
Location: Personal Quarters
Timeline: BACKPOST
2030 words - 4.1 OF Standard Post Measure

Never had the passage of time felt like such a contradictive mess.

As the doors to her quarters closed behind her, Alexis stood for a moment just staring into the gloom before a tired and defeated voice instructed the lights to half-strength. By rights, it was well past her bedtime, since the official end of her shift had been over two hours ago, but one of the perks of being Chief was having access to areas of the ship that not only hid you from the prying eyes of well-meaning subordinates but also allowed you the solitude to focus and work through the list of non-priority tasks that could easily have been handled by the junior staff at a later date. Whether it was considered healthy or not, she functioned best when she was being productive, had found over time that the only way to channel her restlessness was to pour it into meaningful pursuits that would at least take the load off someone else further down the line. It was a good excuse, at least, for powering forward.

This time, she had powered a little too much, focused just a bit too well, distracted herself and hidden herself with such efficiency that she had run out of time to procrastinate. The same time that had seemed to drag endlessly whilst waiting for updates had simultaneously raced by at such a speed that she'd run out of it before she knew to count the minutes. The realisation of the callousness that had implied was about to force her hand and working herself to the point of exhaustion had been the first stage of preparation.

Harder to get angry that way.

Removing her uniform jacket, Alex considered taking a shower first and promptly decided against it. If she was to get any sleep at all, that routine was best left until right before she crashed. Moving instead to replicate herself a black tea, the Science Chief leaned against the counter in her kitchenette as a final marshalling of resolve and then sighed as she pushed off, slipped into the seat at her desk and activated a subspace alert for a call request she'd placed earlier in the day. With any luck, she'd judged the timing properly.

"Well, fancy hearing from you again," Ray's image popped up on the screen as he returned the call. The background consisted of what looked like a dilapidated farm house filled with old war memoirs and alcohol, but Ray himself looked like his usual self. A grumpy old man masked by a sarcastically cheery exterior. "Bad day?" He asked as he poured himself a bourbon and sat at the desk in front of him.

It was the way of things, of course. A good soldier didn't lose the brave face at the first invitation, certainly not to those who arrived just a little late with no excuse beyond their own reluctance. Alex leaned back in her chair and resisted the urge to scrutinise the man who very definitely deserved friends that
called to check on you whilst they were still in a position to help where needed. The water that ran beneath their particular bridge was deep enough that the scientist couldn't even be sure her call was welcome, but that didn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do.

"I guess I blinked and missed a few, yeah." As eerily composed as she was now compared to her younger self, Alexis still possessed the tendency to cut straight to the chase and wasted no time on avoiding it now. "I didn't mean to miss saying goodbye, I just got stuck in my own head and figured I'd be pretty rotten company, all things considered."

"Ah, that's ok. You didn't owe me a goodbye. That's the best thing about marines. You can leave without saying goodbye and cross paths again later. I won't hold it against you," he chuckled softly. "Besides, I could have said bye as easily as you. I'm just afraid I got stuck in my own head too. Is that why you called? Just to say good bye?"

"Pretty much," Alex confessed. The faintest huff of laughter wasn't enough to convey anything beyond fatigue. "Though it's more..."

She paused then because neither of them occupied a space where loss and grief were easily expressed. Part of the nature of a marine's existence was to constantly throw themselves into situations as a buffer zone to shield the general public from the traumatic reality of unfolding events. The Corps had entire mental health units dedicated to helping soldiers process the relentless pressure but there still reached a point where talking about it just made it worse. That had been Alex's experience, anyway, it had taken some intense training during her time at the Academy to really rein in her impulses. It had occurred to her lately, however, that she'd veered somewhat too far towards the numb aloofness end of the spectrum.

"I remember what it's like when a mission goes south. You've lost a lot of the people you'd normally work through that with so I just wanted to offer an ear. For Brooke's sake," Alex added, evoking her lost friend's name for the first time since learning of the woman's death. "I don't have the energy for her to start kicking my ass from the other side."

"Ahh," Ray took a long sip from his bourbon. "Definitely not the mission I expected, but then again they rarely are. I suppose I should be used to that by now." His hollow smile expressed hints of grief. It was a feeling he was familiar with by now. Ray never understood why he was still a part of the universe. With as many missions as he had been on, it didn't seem right that often the younger ones were killed and he somehow stayed alive despite his best efforts. "How is it that the two of us are still around eh? If I was a cat I'd say I must be on my thirtieth life by now at least, but how is it we were afforded more than nine to begin with?"

"I guess some of us took the soft option before we ran out." The reference was meant for herself, of course, which was an insight into the complexity of Alex's guilt but not likely to be something she elaborated on. Instead, with a huff of tired laughter, she continued, "And the other is just very good at ducking and weaving. Just make sure you keep doing that."

In an instant, she was back to grappling with a lack of eloquence and the self-consciousness that came with recalling a time where she would never have minced her words nor been particularly successful at hiding her feelings. Somewhere along the way, she'd overdone the quest for control. Alex had never openly admitted it but recent events, indeed her entire time aboard the Athena, seemed intent on driving home the point that she had sacrificed so much of her natural passion just to pursue a version of herself she believed everyone would prefer. Younger Alexis would have threatened him with several layers of fiery hell for having the gall to consider his time running out.

She also would have been drunk as hell trying to process Brooke's death.

"How long are they keeping you out?" Mandatory leave after catastrophic mission failure was the bane of most soldiers' attempts to smother their trauma with purpose.

"Six months, but it'll probably get reduced to three if something comes up," Ray shrugged. "I don't mind the time off these days anyway. I'll probably spend some time camping with Quinn and fix up this shack of mine," he chuckled. "Maybe I'll even go a trip somewhere, who knows! How are you doing anyway? We didn't get much of a chance to catchup when I was there."

Alexis hesitated. Standard practise these days, when asked about her personal status, was to change the subject. The people asking were usually her current colleagues, however, and Starfleet had come to represent the part of her life where control and dignified purpose ruled the roost. This was a man who had known her as a far more volatile force, prone to borderline insubordination and a reckless disregard for her own safety when it came to pulling people out of the line of fire. How many times had he patched her up? Hell, she owed what vision she had to this man's skill in the field. Releasing a sigh, Alex attempted something utterly alien and opted for honesty.

"Still adjusting to starship politics," she started. "They let me tinker with official code at the shipyards for a couple of years, Athena is the posting that prompted them to boot me out. She eats up her Science Chiefs," Alex added.

"Ahhhh, yes. Starship politics is something I'll never miss." He replied.

"Other than that..."

Alex's tone petered off. She wasn't ready to discuss her sleeping patterns or the reason behind waking up exhausted from time to time, but there was a problem she held partially responsible that her old friend had some prior input into. "It looks like the transplant might be on the cards finally." Ray's intervention had allowed her to thrive with only partial loss of sight in the affected eye but even he'd warned her that, long-term, she was likely to lose it.

"Wow, I'm impressed," the smile on his face was genuine. "I thought you might just put off that transplant forever. I'm glad it's finally made it's way onto your list. Do you have a date?" Though he was curious, in truth he was mostly happy that the subject had changed from his own feelings which he preferred to sort through on his own. The mission itself had been rough, but perhaps not as rough as the last couple of days he'd had with Finn. Not to mention the fact that he had a timeline of his own to come clean on a secret he'd been keeping for years.

"Apparently ignoring it does nothing about the degeneration," Alexis replied, parroting some sage advice she'd once been given by her first-responder. A faint smile gave credit it where it was due before she considered his question and slowly shook her head. "I haven't broached it with anyone yet, the timing hasn't been right for me to take any leave." It was the oldest excuse in the book but also happened, as far as Alex was concerned at least, to be valid.

"Well, imagine that," Ray chuckled. "Let me give you a piece of advice...it's never the right time to take leave. Just take the leave before the Athena, what did you say, eats you up? Seems like a fairly accurate representation from what I've seen." For a while, he was convinced that the Athena was going to go exactly that to Finn. In some regards, he was surprised to see that she'd been eaten up, spit out and returned for more. He hoped Alexis wouldn't suffer a fate similar. "Time waits for no one, get the transplant done and stop making excuses," he smirked.

A flash of distant memory in the guise of a very slight roll of the eyes preceded a flair of stubbornness that evaporated as soon as Alex realised there was no point left to argue. She wouldn't have a career come her next medical if her over-dependence on her visual aid came to light. "There's that award-winning bedside manner," she quipped. "They ranked you up with advice like that?" There was the banter she'd missed, the constant verbal fisticuffs that just wasn't as palatable amongst the uptight Starfleet ladder-climbers.

"No they ranked me up because I'm obviously the best marine around. My bedside manner just happens to be one of my finer qualities," Ray laughed. Before he knew it the pair were reminiscing about missions past and the fun they'd had. Time had certainly taken its toll on both of them yet somehow, as with many marines, they always managed to make their way to conversation as thought they'd never spent time apart.