A Home Full of Baggage

Posted on Mon Nov 13th, 2023 @ 12:35pm by Commander N'Garzi Zora & Lieutenant Alexis Ryan

Mission: Character Development
Location: USS Avalon, Mess Hall
3276 words - 6.6 OF Standard Post Measure

Zora pulled her cup out of the replicator and cradled it in both hands. The heat against her cold fingers was pleasant and the aroma from the moss green tea, though not exactly appetising, felt familiar and safe. Stepping to one side so as not to block the replicators from the rest of the crew, her eyes darting over the room. They landed on Lieutenant Ryan sitting by one of the floor-to-ceiling windows. Her striking red hair made her stand out against the blackness of space, like a lighthouse on a fog-ridden night. She made her way over and gently cleared her throat to break whatever daydream the human was currently lost in. "Mind if I join you, Captain?" She asked, a smile on her face.

Even in the middle of what was obviously a meal break, Alexis had found a way to make the food secondary to whatever it was on her PADD that had the bulk of her focus. It took her a moment to drag her gaze upwards to greet the interruption and slightly longer still to register what the Executive Officer had said. A glimmer of resigned humour acknowledged the tease, though as she dipped her head in invitation towards one of the empty chairs, the Lieutenant didn't hesitate in correcting. "Let's not unleash that on anyone quite yet."

Zora lowered herself into the empty seat, placing her cup on the table but still clutching it in her hands, not ready to give up its warm embrace, just yet. "From all accounts, you were a natural in the big chair," she said warmly. "If it doesn't work out in the science labs, you always have a spot on the bridge."

Unbidden, a glimmer of irritation sent its ripple across Ryan's hard-won composure. It wasn't a rational reaction, compliments weren't supposed to annoy you after all, but there had been a few too many of this particular ilk just recently and, whilst the vote of confidence was appreciated, it didn't always marry with Alex's own interpretation of her capacity. Success had a way of rephrasing things and the Lieutenant was still trying to come to grips with how effortlessly she'd slipped back into what had always been a very complicated mindset. Reaching for her half-warm tea, she curbed her initial reaction and opted simply to smile and redirect. "Not leaving us, are you?"

"Not anytime soon," Zora said unable to hide her smile. She had been a diplomat long enough to know when someone was evading and Ryan was the best of the best, the woman could teach the El-Aurian a thing or two. She picked up her cup and gingerly took a sip. The bitter drink burned the tip of her tongue just the way it should. Tea should be hot her mother's words echoed in her head. "With Commodore Kane taking on extra responsibilities, we need good officers now more than ever to step up to the plate if and when the time calls. You've proven you're such an officer."

"After all that effort to get a Science Chief who actually fit the role and you're turfing me out already." Ryan had found her humour again, dressed herself in it with such practised ease that it very nearly passed as entirely sincere. "I promise, I am not against the notion of career progression. Some additional training may not be such a terrible idea." The implication of a silent 'but' lingered before finally being resolved. "I'm just not sure I'm as convinced as everyone else that the fit is immediately perfect." It was a carefully constructed admission, cast as one might measure breadcrumbs tossed to an impatient flock.

Zora raised an eyebrow. "That's a curious take from a scientist, that perfection should be required at the beginning of the process rather than towards the end of it. You know the adage, the Federation wasn't built in a day, the same applies here." She paused briefly to take a sip of tea, allowing her words to burrow into the Lieutenant's head. She placed the cup down and then looked up into the piercing blue eyes of the woman in front of her. "Lieutenant, Alex," she corrected, "no one is asking you to swap the blue for red right now. Just a bit of extra training to hone a natural ability to lead, no pressure."

"No one is asking, no, but quite a few are hinting." Alex exhaled. "I had a similar conversation with Commander Lance before she left. And the Commodore has already questioned me once." A delicate eyebrow, deep russet, arched wryly. "They do say that the reward for great work is more work." Willing to reassure that she wasn't displeased with the Commander's esteem, Alexis leaned back into her chair and took a moment to provide the other woman with a better response than vague affirmation. "You sound a little more prepared than they were, though. What extra training are we talking about?"

"Well, I have a few more years on the Commodore and Commander," Zora smiled earnestly. "I don't think it would have to be anything too complicated. I could dust off my academy command training PADDs, a few 101 classes. Basic bridge management, negotiations for beginners, emergency procedures, and so on." She used her ringed index finger to circle the rim of her cup. "You're right, it would mean more work, but hopefully something that would be satisfying too?"

It was testament to the Commander's subtle yet profound ability to remain navigator that she succeeded where the likes of Kane and Lance had met only stubborn resistance. Part of it was Alexis' own acceptance that the conversation wasn't going away but there was also the quiet undertone of simply having met her match. Nobody mastered patience like an El Aurian. With a resigned sigh, the Science Chief relented. "I suppose it would get everyone off my back about it."

"That wasn't exactly the response I was hoping for, but I'll take it," Zora said. She studied the young woman and saw a lot of herself in the way she carried herself and mostly in the way she protected herself. She wished all species lived as long as El Aurians, the growth in one's self over a few centuries really was something to behold. "We can take this at your own pace, and if you change your mind, then we stop. Deal?"

Something about the Commander's choice of words struck Alexis as funny. With a chuckle, she shook her head. "Which is almost exactly what the tattoo artist who worked on my shoulder said. I would hope this would be a little less painful." A faintly knowing sparkle in the Lieutenant's eyes acknowledged the unnecessary revelation of a personal detail, something of an olive branch because Alex knew by now that she was widely considered mediocre at sharing herself with others. A good portion of the restraint came from being generally reluctant to shoe-horn in personal perspective, never one to crave the spotlight, but waiting for people to ask her questions directly was not made equal by her general willingness to answer honestly. She needed to try with this crew, or so her last psychological assessment had hinted at.

"Oh, let me guess," Zora replied, slightly taken aback that Ryan was choosing to share something that wasn't work-related. Zora lived for these moments, it was part of her species DNA to listen, to other personal and the mundane. But it went further than that, she cared about this crew deeply, and seeing them open up and forming connections was something special to behold. "An Orion slave boy? No, no, a pink Tribble?" Her smile indicated that her guesses were not serious, though she kinda hoped one of them was correct.

"If only you'd been present at the time." The jest was offered in good faith, being left solely responsible for most of the information provided. Far more vague was the following, "A group of us decided it was a good idea at the time, you know how those things go," before Alex conceded to offer in its place a more detailed diversion. The hitch of her sleeve revealed an elegant design on her inner-forearm, and though Alex would normally have considered the exchange a little frivolous, if not somewhat invasive, Zora at least seemed to be a woman who appreciated the artform. "This is less of an eyesore."

She grazed the pad of her thumb over the ink.

"Commander, may I ask you a question?"

It came from no where, a sudden willingness to communicate that Alex put down to a pragmatic understanding that she needed to. She had not set out to turn Zora into a confidant but there was no denying the woman's presence made the prospect at least palatable.

Zora studied the work of art on Alex's arm. The detail was intricate, the lines, shapes, all coming together to form a beautiful design. It was clear that it meant a lot to her and was personal, something she understood very well. Her own body was covered in tattoos, some of them spiritual, others more symbolic to her, but every one of them having their own meaning and sense of worth. She was about to ask about the meaning of this when the science officer spoke.

"Of course," Zora said, now looking back into the blue eyes.

Despite the boldness of her request, Alexis took a moment to gather her thoughts. When she finally spoke, her tone was laden with unspoken tension, the weight of a dozen competing uncertainties refused expression. Anger management had been a hard won victory but there was room to suggest she'd developed several unhealthy habits in the quest to maintain that progress. The scientist's brow creased, gaze angled downwards as introspection failed to yield any obvious starting point, and eventually the best course of action seemed to be the only one she ever took these days; straight down the line.

"Did you ever find home elsewhere?"

As soon as the words were spoken, it was clearer what had made the woman tentative about how to frame her query. It assumed a lot, or at least revealed a level of understanding of the Commander's personal journey that stood in stark contrast to how much Ryan seemed to involve herself in the affairs of others. It had been a common misconception for most of her life, a lack of differentiation between her acute observation skills and deliberate avoidance of privacy invasion. Without seeking to explain how she had arrived at the conclusion that Zora had any experience with displacement, Alex merely studied the other woman's features as she waited for a response.

"Yes, I think so," was Zora's immediate response before leaning back in her seat to ponder the question further. It was one of many layers and deserved an answer with just as many layers too. "I can interpret that question in many ways, Lieutenant," Zora said after some thought. "A lot of people regard home as a physical place, one of familiarity and history. I don't think I have ever had that, I have always been one to move from one place to the next, always seeking the next adventure." She smiled, one that didn't touch her eyes but wasn't a sad one either. Sort of an in-between, a nomad smile, like her.

Zora played with her cup again, knowing that the tea was far too cool to enjoy. She didn't mind this at all, she often forgot about her drinks during stimulated conversations. It was her tell of how good of a time she was having. "In my religion, we are taught that home is where the heart feels the fullest. When you are surrounded by joy, love, and fulfilment, then you are home; so in a way, the answer is yes. Why do you ask?" She asked, genuinely curious about the answer.

Ryan glanced down once more at her arm before holding it up so that the tattoo could be observed as intended. "Every point," she indicated each dot with her index finger, "is a planet ceded to the Cardassians. This one," the finger tapped against one of the larger dots central to the design, "is Juhraya. My homeworld." The additional information was probably not necessary but Alex was nothing if not thorough once she'd made a decision to speak. "A planet on the way to having hosted only a quarter of my entire lifespan and yet there doesn't seem to be enough distance in the universe to keep it from inserting itself into everything."

In many ways, the Lieutenant's tone was every bit as pragmatic as usual, the intensely personal topic shared as more a matter of resignation than anything overly emotive. Lowering her arm once more, Alex turned it so that she could frown at the swirls of ink documenting a life's sacrifice. "I guess you could say aspects of this mission didn't exactly follow my preference for the whole 'never look back' adage."

Zora nodded solemnly. She was aware of the Lieutenant's background and having spent so much time in Cardassian space herself in the past, she knew more than most of the damage caused not only by the Dominion war but the years preceding it. Many had lost their lives defending their homes that the Federation had given away in peace talks that had displaced millions. It was easy to look back on history under a magnifying glass, scrutinising every decision and knowing exactly where it would lead. As a diplomat, she had made similar calls in the past, giving a little away in the name of peace. But how much was too much?

"Looking back can be a harmful process," Zora said, her voice kind and nonjudgmental. "However, forgetting the past, is always a harmful one. You've had to grow up faster than most people Alexis. Don't let that all be in vain. You've gained valuable insight and skills that most other officers would kill for. It's what makes you the person you are, use them to your advantage and let them be a part of you."

"Babanin got to me." The grudging confession, made after a moment's introspection, landed with an element of wry humour. "Which annoys me. My direct experience with the Maquis is very much inflated by other people's expectations. I was a kid who should have been half a star system away, my father absolutely did not let me amass a great deal of practical experience. Most of anything I know came from retrospective hyper-analysis." Glancing back down again at her arm, Alex frowned slightly. The concept of home had been a complicated one, tarnished by an undeniable trail of very temporary ones over the years. "Nobody's ever tried to use it to castrate someone just for knowing me though. Smug bastard."

A ghost of a smirk suggested the Lieutenant was thinking something much stronger.

"He did have that effect on people," Zora said sadly. Her own experience with the man was no better than the others and she was trained to deal with all kinds of characters. She had been stuck in her hubris, thinking herself untouchable by someone so young, relatively. She had been wrong and her commanding officer had nearly paid the price. She would learn from that day, it was all she could do. Detch'a q ful she thought fondly.

"We can't let anyone else define us," Zora said, placing her hand on Ryan's upper arm from across the table. "The good, the bad, the ugly, the unseen... all we can be is the true versions of ourselves, governed by our own code. Others will twist that version, like Barbanin tried to, the good ones will see the inner truth, as we do."

"I'm more frustrated that, after so long, there's still enough of that button exposed for someone to find." Not ungrateful for the sentiment, Ryan nevertheless sat back with a weary laugh indicative of a lack of interest in dwelling on something now outside of her control. Time and experience had taught her that much at least. A thoughtful silence followed, cut short eventually by an equally as pragmatic observation. "It's somewhat ironic that one of the manoeuvres my father helped pioneer came in useful immediately after." She held up her thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. "About this much of me hopes that Babanin hears about it." A twitch of a smile leant the scientist a devious twinkle for a moment. "Thankfully, most of the rest of me is not so petty."

Zora's smile was fast and genuine. "Pettiness is like our dress uniform, it's reserved for the right time and for the people that truly deserve it."

As the uncharacteristic urge to confide dissipated, Alexis gave fleeting consideration to the prospect of further confession and promptly slammed the mental door shut. Admitting to anger was far easier than trying to explain an uncanny sense of loyalty, and the Lieutenant was in no hurry to discuss her recent dreams with anyone, especially after Lance's ribbing. If the human had managed to sense the ripple of unease beneath her colleague's composure, Alex didn't want to guess at what an El Aurian would make of the whole thing. Still, she had to give Zora credit for making her hesitate; there were several counsellors in the Science Chief's past who might have tipped their hats to the Commander for not even breaking a sweat.

"It looks like we get to pick up the pieces and move on, at least," she concluded, settling back into her chair with one leg folded over the other. "They did warn me this posting wasn't likely to be a quiet one."

Zora's smile was mischievous and light. She could sense that Alex was holding back, battling her desire to keep things inside and also from wanting to unburden herself. She respected that. "I'm very happy we haven't disappointed thus far."

The Science Chief looked thoughtful for a moment, an elongated hum conveying an element of playful doubt. "It's early days yet," she eventually pointed out, her expression finally relaxing so that her grin was entirely unironic. "But I'd say you're off to a good start."

The toy of an index finger's nail against the arm of the chair became the only residual hint of agitation and even that eventually stilled enough to reinstate a familiar composure. Fixation had once been a problem, a driving force that lead to obsessive pursuit of control that was unreasonable and usually unobtainable. Ryan had learned when to ease up, and though a lot of her strategy tended to involve diverting her attention to more productive work matters, it was better than dwelling on emotional gumbo. It was distraction that she sought now, and in the absence of any pressing duty obligations to pursue, the best available option became the olive branch of friendship. It was, after all, another aspect of social interaction she'd been forced to be a little more intentional about.

Leaning her chin against a balled fist, Alexis eyed the woman opposite and added, "Now the real test is, how do you feel about steampunk?"

"Steampunk?" Zora asked inquisitively, she wasn't familiar with the term but Alex's tone didn't suggest it was anything of any major concern, merely continuing the conversation and sharing thoughts and interests. The El-Aurian relaxed further into her seat, her cold tea long forgotten, but thoroughly enjoying getting to know the woman who sat in front of her. "Tell me more."