Professional Overthinking

Posted on Wed Oct 25th, 2023 @ 6:26am by Lieutenant Didrea Zade & Lieutenant Commander Savin

Mission: Character Development
Location: USS Athena :: Counselor's Office
Timeline: Semi-concurrent with Brig post
2314 words - 4.6 OF Standard Post Measure

Once the doors to the brig shut behind Zade, she leaned against the wall next to the entrance and shut her eyes as her mind reeled. She was frustrated with Nayisa, confused, weighed down with doubt. Zade had spent so long trying to get Nayisa to talk about her work, and yet when she finally got the chance to see her in action, it wasn't what she expected. It was unsettling to see how unbothered Nayisa was with breaking so many regulations. The look in Nayisa's eyes when she had threatened the Trill... in that moment, when she was trying to gauge if she was being serious, it was like staring into the eyes of a stranger. Even when they made eye contact between the forcefield barrier, it was like she was looking at a different person. The dynamic of their friendship shifted, and something inside the Trill wished that the intelligence officer hadn't included her in her work.

But would it have been any better if Zade remained unaware?

Opening her eyes, Zade gently pushed herself off the wall to head for the turbolift, feeling what she could only describe as a sense of betrayal that she didn't want to show publicly. She couldn't show how hurt she was by Nayisa's actions. She barely knew how to describe the tight knot in her chest. Now that the trial was over and the ship back into one piece, she expected her stress to lessen, and yet some weight still hung off her shoulders.

Several minutes later, the Trill found herself in front of Savin's office. There were several times where she almost changed her mind and went elsewhere, but it wouldn't help. She'd just keep thinking about everything instead of doing something about it. After Savin had helped her through her frustrations during the trial, she felt less hesitant to go to him. With a steady breath to try and keep her emotions in check, she pressed the panel for his door to alert him to company.

The door opened exactly when she pressed the alert, coming face to face with a somewhat startled counselor. "Lieutenant," he managed, unable to hide his surprise. "What brings you here this time?" He could see something was off, her expression dark and dire and she had a really dark mood about her. He stepped back to allow her inside, then followed, allowing the door to close.

Seeing the silent invitation to enter, Zade stepped through the threshold and to a chair. While momentarily surprised to get such a quick response from him, she realized that he probably sensed her coming. Holding the back of the chair as if she'd fall without it, Zade slowly eased herself into the chair and stared at his desk for a moment before she looked up at Savin, a sense of doubt in her eyes.

"I just put my friend in the brig," she nearly whispered.

The opposite was actually true as he'd just been on his way out for a brief walk. "Did you have cause to do so?" He asked quietly, while trying to make a grab for the cat, who had taken it upon herself to find a perch on Zade's lap. He didn't keep her often in his office, but sometimes he appreciated the feline's company.

Did she? Glancing down when she felt pressure on her lap, she saw a cat with long white fur staring up at her with incredibly green eyes. "I believe I did," Zade answered, signalling to Savin that the feline's presence didn't bother her. The gentle pressure actually helped to keep her mind from running a marathon. "She violated regulation. By that alone, my response should be justified... but it was necessary to do her job." Even if Nayisa had strictly followed the rules, Zade doubted she could have completed her assignment.

"Then why does this bother you so much, if you were justified in doing so? She violated starfleet regulations, there are consequences to doing so. She likely knew that and accepted the risk. I would expect no less, if that were say.... myself. We are bound to tread rules lightly one way or another if a situation suits the need to. But we also accept the risk when we are caught."

Zade gave the feline a gentle pat, feeling the softness of the fur as her hand trailed along her back. "There's several reasons. She's my friend, it bothers me because I didn't know that she would go this far, just to complete an assignment. I knew she went on infiltration missions, but... I feel like I discovered a completely different side of her. I also got roped into helping her enter the c-" Suddenly tense, Zade stopped herself as she questioned if she could reveal Nayisa's assignment to him. "... into helping her break regulation. I'm... conflicted, I suppose? On the one hand, I hate that she involved me, but I know I'd be more upset if I didn't know and found out later."

Savin's eyes briefly trailed to his cat, then back to the Trill. "Have you spoken with her about how you feel?" He asked slowly, "and how did you get...roped in...? Why did you allow yourself to be?"

Zade recalled the argument they got into shortly after they had left Kane's quarters. It was frustrating being told that everything was 'for a reason' and being expected to go with it. "I started to, but I was overwhelmed by what had happened." It would be harder to answer his follow-up questions without more context. "I thought that if I witnessed her commit these acts, it would strengthen my case. I didn't... I didn't allow myself..." She pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand and sighed, unsure of how to even explain herself. It all sounded like she was making excuses for herself. "It might be easier if I explain what happened," she eventually conceded. "Does patient confidentiality extend to this?"

"Unless it endangers yourself, the ship or the crew, yes it does," Savin confirmed. "What did you not allow yourself?"

Taking a breath, Zade started from the beginning, when Nayisa had just told her about her assignment. She explained the argument they had before Nayisa threatened to lock her in P'Rel's office if she didn't help her. Then the part about them breaking into Kane's quarters and Nayisa looking around for something and collecting samples while Zade was stuck pressing a button on a PADD. Some anxiety resurfaced when she mentioned Zora's presence outside Kane's quarters, and her story concluded with Zade making the decision to wait until their mission was over before arresting her. She let silence hang in the air for a moment before adding, "I don't think I can say that I was forced to help her. I deal with threats all the time, I... guess I didn't want to see her get into deeper trouble than she was already getting into."

"Why do you think she approached you?" He asked as he watched her conclude her tale.

The Trill didn't immediately answer, instead glancing down at the cat in her lap for a moment. The furry creature butted her hand, and she let her rub her face into it. Perhaps since Trill hands tended to be cooler, the cat was trying to cool herself down. "She said she trusted me," she eventually said. "... to help her, to keep this a secret, I-I don't know."

"Beyond what you just said, why did you really help her? Did you ever feel you could have said no?"

"No, I've told her no many times," the Trill responded. There was a pause as she repeated Savin's question in her mind. "I'm... not sure there’s one reason. She's my friend, and I felt... obligated, I suppose, to make sure she stayed safe, even though I know she can handle herself. Like I mentioned earlier, if I witnessed her committing these acts, then it would be harder for her to deny them. She was also going to do this regardless, so I... wanted to make sure she didn't break enough rules to get her into deeper trouble."

"As security chief you are obligated to report this to the captain, how does that make you feel?" Savin watched her closely, registering a sense of guilt or perhaps apprehension from her. He wasn't entirely sure.

"I'm not worried about telling the Captain," Zade said. Sensing vibration, she looked down to see the cat emitting a low purr. She tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling as her mind processed what she knew was coming. Savin was right, she'd have to report the arrest, even though a notice would have been sent after she put it on record. Even if the Captain knew, she'd still have her security briefing with Zora soon, and that's what she was worried about. "I'm worried about telling Zora," she finally admitted. "She doesn't think I'm doing enough as security chief. I don't think she'll get upset at my decision to arrest Nayisa. I think she'll disagree my judgement call to delay arresting her, as well as my involvement. I have my reasons for both but I... don't know if she'll listen."

"Why do you feel more concerned about telling a woman you have served longer with than the one that is currently in command?" He regarded her curiously. "Surely, by now you know how Commander Zora reacts to a security situation? You went along with her to keep an eye on her, did you not? And when she went too far, you arrested her?"

"I worry more about Zora because I think she questions my competency." It was the best way she could describe it. Yes, Zade messed up with Fenn, and it wasn't a great first impression, but it seemed like ever since then Zora had looked down on the Trill. "Even though I believe I did the right thing, I feel like the fact that I even went along with Nayisa, and made the choice to delay arresting her until after the mission, will overshadow the conversation, regardless of my reasons."

"Why would she question your competency? Surely, she would understand if you explained your motivation?" Savin arched a single eyebrow at her, tilting his head a fraction.

"There's a chance she could understand if I explain, but she and I both know that I should have done more to stop Nayisa when she first came to me," Zade responded. She was clearly starting to overthink, her mind trying to come up with all of the possible outcomes of the inevitable conversation.

"And if you had tried to stop her, what are the odds she would have gone ahead with her plans regardless?" Savin queried, "what would or could the damage have been, if you had not been in on her plans? Now you at least had some level of control over what she could do, or where she could go. Correct?"

Zade paused to answer as she recalled the conversation in the intelligence office. The threat to be locked in the office was what came to mind, followed by how serious Nayisa's expression was. She still couldn't decide if Nayisa was bluffing. Savin's last words then sat on Zade's mind for a moment, providing a small yet unmistakeable moment of clarity. By having control over what Nayisa did, she did reduce the damage Nayisa could have caused when Kane's quarters were still evidence. At least, it made sense to her. "She would have done it anyways," she eventually answered, Nayisa's own words reciting the same thing in her head almost simultaneously. "And she would have gotten into a lot more trouble if I hadn't gone with."

"Then there you have your answer. You had no other alternative but to cooperate, or the damage done might be far greater." He watched his cat burrow into the woman, as if she was trying to offer some form of comfort.

There was a nudge of second-guessing in the Trill's mind. Was Zade overthinking it? She knew the last argument she had with Zora was partly fueled by the stresses of the trial, so she wasn't sure how much of the first officer's feelings were true. Her hands were nudged by the cat in her lap, and she watched the furry thing burrow into her. "I want to try and resolve this," she eventually said. "If she won't listen, do you think that you could talk to Zora about this? Would you be able to?"

"With your permission I can verify what you told me, yes," the counselor confirmed, "but I require Wrea's permission as well. Because it concerns both of you."

The Trill couldn't keep the disappointment off her face at the idea of getting Nayisa's permission as well. Did she really deserve that courtesy, since she was in the brig? "You have mine... I don't know if you'll get hers."

"Do you trust me?" Savin asked simply. "If you do, then trust me to get it."

Zade paused to gauge if she actually trusted him. When it came to their discussions, of course she trusted him. She had to trust him if her first instinct was to come to his office. But she had spent years trying to get even the vaguest of details from Nayisa without success... could he really convince her to give him permission? "I trust you," she said with a nod. "I hope she will see the reasoning behind it."

"I will do the best I can. I will let you know when I have acquired it. For now i suggest you get some rest. You look like you need it "

Taking in a steady breath, Zade nodded. Her part was done, and now she just had to wait. "I appreciate your time, Savin. And, good luck."