Letting It Out

Posted on Sun Jul 31st, 2022 @ 9:54am by Lieutenant Commander Savin & Lieutenant Commander Finnley Keating VII

Mission: Character Development
2768 words - 5.5 OF Standard Post Measure

Finn surveyed the empty gym. It was exactly what she wanted. A space where she could physically exhaust herself enough that she wouldn't remember all of the nightmares. She let the anger and the guilt start to surface as she stretched before hitting the track.

Savin watched the lone figure as he entered the gym, carrying a towel and a replica of his blue bladed sword. Not wanting to disturb her, he walked over to the center mat, removed his shoes and socks and started a slow warming up routine to loosen his muscles.

Now that her legs were warmed up, Finn hit the starting line on the track. She counted from three to herself and then tore from the start line as if she were running from something. As if she could outrun the past. After the first curve, she noticed Savin had quietly entered. She said a quiet curse but ignored his presence and kept running.

The counselor continued his warming up, pretending not to have noticed her. Though unable to hear the quiet curse, he did sense the shift in mood and he wondered if somehow he could get her to acknowledge him. An expert swordsman, he wasn't likely to just trip up though. Instead, he intensified his warming up, as if he was just lightly sparring with an unseen enemy.

Finn stopped after a couple of laps, eyeing Savin. "Do you spar?" She inquired, hoping the answer was yes.

Mid-motion, Savin saw her speak and she was lucky he had caught it. "Yes," he answered, "which do you prefer? with, or without weapons?"

"I can't say I'm experienced with weapons, but it doesn't really matter to me. I can learn either way," Finn replied. Truthfully she was just looking to unleash that pent-up anger and guilt or have someone beat it out of her. She'd almost prefer the latter. Physical pain covered up the mental torment more than anything else.

"Computer, replicate a sword identical to mine, but weighed to Lieutenant Keating's right handed orientation," Savin spoke up, then gestured to Finn. "Hold out your hand, it will appear within a minute. I will be easy on you as you get used to it."

"Don't be. I'll learn faster if you aren't," Finn said as the sword appeared in her hand. She grasped the handle and rotated it, sizing up the weapon and getting used to the feel of it. It wasn't too heavy and it cut through the air swiftly in a satisfying way. After a couple of practice swings, she looked up at the counselor. "Anything I need to know before I start?"

"If I do not, I could seriously injure you as I have been training since I was a child," Savin pointed out. "I have no doubt you learn fast but you so not have skill just yet." He gave her an encouraging smile as he watched her. "Yes, no speaking to me unless you have my attention and I can see it. Do not exert yourself and try to avoid my blade. They are both blunt but will still bruise. A strong strike may still break bones, so stay alert." He lifted his sword, the blade pointed towards his left shoulder. "Ready?" He asked as he shifted to strike, moving slower than usual to give her a chance to block.

"I at least have martial arts skills," she blocked his strike without hesitation but kept her view on the counselor as she talked. "My dad started training me when I was pretty young. I can handle more than you might think." Finn pushed his blade to the side and then channeled the lessons from her youth, swiping the floor with her legs as she struck with the weapon straight on.

"I am not doubting you, lieutenant," he pointed out, stepping aside and over her sweeping leg. Her blade grazed his shirt, but didn't touch him. He went through a series of swipes, strikes and stabs to test her, giving a nod of approval. "You do learn fast," he praised.

"My dad never took it easy on me. He always said 'progress begins at the end of your comfort zone'. He usually said it right before he knocked me on my ass," Finn half smiled, remembering all of the times they'd worked out and everything he taught her. None of which she had lived up to now with all that she had done, but the memories were still nice to hold on to. They were a small light wading in the lake of darkness.

"I see.." In a sweeping motion using the broad side of his blade, he swept her legs from under her, then took a step back to give her room to get back on her feet. "No going easy then... you got it." As soon as she had gotten up, he aimed another sweeping strike at her.

Finn hit the ground but quickly hopped back up with a smile. Now things were getting interesting. She'd learned from the first swipe and with the second she jumped up and twisted into a side kick, following through with the sword.

Not having expected the side kick, it caught him full on his side and her sword glanced his back as he staggered away. He took a deep breath to recompose himself, then refocused on there combat. It certainly felt refreshing to have an at least somewhat capable opponent. "Well done," he praised with a nod.

"Thanks," Finn smiled, enjoying the adrenaline of the fight. She didn't wait long before pushing forward with a series of slashes and kicks, doing her best to combine what she knew of martial arts with the new weapon. All of which the highly skilled counselor deflected. Each unsuccessful strike frustrated her a little more.

He could sense her frustration with ease. "Focus," he instructed her, "anger makes a fighter sloppy."

Finn let out a noise, trying to focus but finding it hard to keep the anger down as every block helped it to surface. She struck a few more times, putting power behind each one but ultimately missing. "How am I supposed to focus?!" She asked, unconsciously eluding to the fact that all she had was bottled-up anger and guilt swaying her motivations.

Savin paused mid-swing. "You focus on what you wish to do," he instructed though by now he was quite certain there was more to it. "Find a way to channel your anger into something constructive."

She did her best to contain it and focus, lashing out a few more times. One strike came close but was still deflected. Perhaps the most frustrating part was that he hadn't thrown any strikes back and instead he stood there calmly deflecting. "Why won't you strike back?" She asked, slicing out once again.

"Because you clearly need to let off steam and for me to strike back now would be an unfair fight. Especially when you lack focus."

"I can hold my own, it wouldn't be unfair." The situation escalated. "Besides, I'm sick of everyone telling me what I need and don't need. You're either all in or I'm done," Finn forcibly put her terms out on the table. She wouldn't take his pity, sympathy, or attempt at help. If he couldn't fight back, she wouldn't fight at all.

"Done?" He queried curiously, "what do you mean with that?" He took a small step back to study her, but remained within weapon's range, holding his sword pointed towards the deck.

"I mean I won't spar if you aren't going to fight back," she too stepped back, moving out of range and dropping her arms. "I meant what I said. I can hold my own. You either go all in and really fight or we stop, right here." Her voice sounded calm, but there was a wave of furiosity just waiting to be let out right behind it.

He gave her a formal bow. "As you wish," he answered before launching an attack.

The quick response attack took her by surprise and the blade struck her side. Finally, she felt something other than anger and guilt. The pain was an excellent masking agent. Finn whirled up for a few parries, but each one just left her feeling unsatisfied. With each attack, she took a step farther into darkness and proved Savin right. Her strikes became sloppy and her defenses weak, but she could tell he wasn't returning her blows with as much ferocity as she suspected he could. "Stop holding back, I don't deserve it!" She cried out.

"I assure you, I am not holding back," he promised, "however I have also no desire to harm you because as you are fighting now, I could still cause serious harm." He paused again, sword down in passive mode. "Why do you feel you do not deserve my desire not to harm you?"

"I don't care! I told you I could handle it," she spat the words from her mouth and spun around in another strike, now completely engulfed in the throws of her emotions. "I tortured Silnan and then left him for dead," she struck again. "He begged me for mercy and I was too much of a coward to grant it to him. The other Finn almost killed Xavier and Mason, but she was the same as I am. I don't even deserve to be here," Finn shouted and ran towards him in another attack.

Her first strike caught him by surprise and he winced visibly as he brought his sword up to defend himself. At least she was now finding a focus. "How did you torture him?" He asked as he deflected another attack. "How is Lieutenant Leiko and Chief Malone almost being killed by your clone, reflective on you?"

"I had a choice. I could've made them stop, but I was too stubborn. I told them I didn't care about Silnan. I didn't care if they tortured him. So they did," Finn fought, hard. Throwing the sword in a strike from the upper left whilst dodging to the other side. "They stuck him over and over again with that device and then severed his arm. All because I wouldn't tell them what they wanted to know." Finn threw a final strike before falling to her knees, exhausted. She'd said more than she had meant to and hadn't even addressed the clone situation, but it was the first time she'd talked about anything from that time in the cells. Now she sat, completely spent. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

She had landed a few more blows as her fury was disorienting his senses but when she finally fell to her knees, he lowered his sword and approached her, kneeling in front of her to offer his sword in formal surrender. "I yield," he said formally in a way to end their session. "You did your duty as a Starfleet officer, Silnan must have understood this. They were using him against you, they easily could have tortured you to get him to talk. He too was trained, and would never have done so... you were doing your duty lieutenant."

She pushed his sword away. "You could've won, but you held back. I told you I could've taken it. I wanted to even." Finn sat back and curled her knees in, resting her chin on top and wrapping her arms around her legs. Her eyes looked past Savin, staring at the wall, her expression void of emotion. "Silnan didn't understand. You weren't there. He begged me to tell them and when he realized he had no hope, he begged me to end it for him. To kill him. I couldn't even do that. Even in the end, after everything he'd been through because of me, he stood up in the line of fire to fight so we could escape and then we just left him there," she whispered in horror as she recounted the details.

"Only enough not to seriously harm you," he said as he pressed his hand against the left side of his torso. "No, I was not there. And pain can make you do things against your desire." He didn't come closer, remembering her aversion to touch. "I have no doubt that you did not end his life, because you had hope of saving his. Am I right?"

She nodded. "Except I didn't. He saved mine, even though I didn't deserve it," Finn looked over at the counselor. "Did I hurt you? I'm sorry. I got carried away. This is why I keep telling people they shouldn't get close. I'll only hurt them in the long run."

"I recall encouraging you to channel your anger, which you did. I can handle a few bruises, but you may treat them if you like." Since every officer knew basic medical procedures, he knew Finn would be able to treat a few bruises and minor contusions. "Yes, he saved yours, as you tried to save his. He saved yours, so you can continue to live. And you will never forget his heroic act. You must continue so his sacrifice was not pointless."

"I'll do my best," Finn nodded, ignoring the rest of what he had said, and went to grab the med kit hanging from the wall. She used what basic skills she could recall healing the bruises she had caused. Meanwhile, her mind screamed. Berating her for all of the pain she'd caused. Silnan, Xav, Mason, and now Savin. When would it stop? For the second time in the past few days, she thought Starfleet really would be better off without her. At least her friends would.

"Better?" She asked as she finished running whatever the device was called across Savin's injured body.

Savin paused her by grabbing her hand, alerted by something he sensed. It was strong, almost overwhelming. "Stop." It was a single but insistent command. "Look at me lieutenant." He waited for her comply, reasoning she wouldn't disobey an order. "You do matter. And your feelings matter. It is alright to feel as you do bit you must not allow yourself to drown in it. What you experience is called survivor's guilt, and we can treat this. It will take time, it may never fully go away but you will be able to function normally."

He paused, looking her right in the eyes, seeing and even feeling her pain. "You did not intentionally harm me, I did warn that we could come away with injury. I knew what I was doing when I engaged in this sparring session. I knew this could happen if you were sufficiently triggered. You did not harm me, I did... I can take your pain, at least for a little while."

"No," was her only response. The pain was all she had left, and taking it away would've been nothing but a disservice to those she had harmed. Finn removed her hand and put the med kit away. "Will you be ok?" She asked, motioning toward his injuries.

"Affirmative." It was a very Vulcan response, but the only one he had to that. "I will go to sickbay or ask Jerant to assist. The question is, will you be alright?" He crawled up to his feet, sword in his left hand, right hand still covering his side. He gritted his teeth, not wanting her to know she had connected a little harder than had probably been intended while she had caught him off-guard in her last attack.

"I'll be fine," Finn headed towards the door. In truth, the fight hadn't been as satisfying as she'd wished it was, and instead of leaving refreshed, she felt worse. Her only intent when she arrived at the gym that morning had been to work out the emotions that plagued her. To physically atone for her transgressions. Yet somehow, she had just added to the long list of them. "Thanks for the workout."

"Finn..." He only saw her walk away, and with her turned towards the door, her words were lost on him. "Talk to me... It is what I am here for..."

"This," she turned around to face him and motioned towards his injuries, "is what happens when I talk about it. I have to deal with this on my own." Finn spoke as though no argument would convince her otherwise and before waiting for a response, she turned and walked out the door.

Savin sighed. This behaviour was extremely concerning, and he wasn't sure he should keep this to himself. This type of behavior, to him, was potentially dangerous.