The Stalemate

Posted on Wed Jul 20th, 2022 @ 6:28pm by NVeid tr'Rehu & Lieutenant Commander Finnley Keating VII

Mission: Character Development
Location: Finn's Quarters
Timeline: In between missions, after 'Live and Let Die'
2480 words - 5 OF Standard Post Measure

"Computer, lock the door," Finn shouted just before NVeid reached the door's sensors. She understood that it was a transgression for him to have forced his memories on her telepathically, but she didn't care. Finn didn't want to be pulled into a security report or to have to talk about anything to anyone. Beyond that, she wouldn't let NVeid use her as a way to punish himself and she certainly wouldn't allow one of her engineers to be brought into the turmoil just because he had witnessed what happened.

"If you bring George into this, I swear to God," Finn's anger started to bubble up, threatening to come loose like a wild animal. "He's one of my officers. I won't put him in the middle of this. Besides, all he saw is you grab my hand, he can't attest to any more than that. Leave, him, out, of this, NVeid," she punched the wall next to him in frustration, accidentally using her left hand, and then recoiled as a flash of pain hit where her new fingers had been attached.

"I don't adhere to your deity," the Romulan snapped as he found himself next to a closed door, then flinched visibly as she punched the wall next to him. "He knows what happened, he was there!" He grabbed her hand, unconsciously massaging the afflicted digits, grimacing as her pain assaulted him. "Calm down," he admonished her, searching her face. "No," he said as he saw her open her mouth to speak. It took only a fraction of a second as he bridged the distance between them and kissed her.

Finn stood there, confounded. Unsure of what just happened. Her emotions, thoughts, everything, jumbled into a blur. She didn't know if it was genuine or if he was just trying to shut her up, but either way, she wasn't sure she appreciated it in the midst of all of her frustrations. Finn snatched her hand out of his and looked straight into NVeid's eyes. Her expression exuded feral energy as if one tap would unleash a lightning bolt of rage. "Get out."

"I can't." He shrugged, knowing the door wasn't going to nudge. "Make up your mind...lock me in, or let me out." He glared back at her, though his glare held a note of fear. Detention wasn't among his favourite pastimes.

Everything came to a point and Finn shook with anger. She didn't know what to do. She wanted him out, but she didn't want to be pulled into his security report. In the back of her mind, she knew she couldn't completely lose it. It would only prove him right. So instead, she let out a small noise of frustration, turned around, and plopped back down on the couch to think. Finn sat there in silence, cradling her hand and staring at the wall as her mind cranked.

On his part, the Romulan stayed by the door, which was still locked. "So which is it?" He finally spoke up, "and do you require medical attention?" After all, he was a doctor first, and she was still his patients. And, his patient was obviously in pain. However, without her clear consent, his hands might as well be tied.

"No," Finn replied. The rage had settled in the silence, yet it was still there waiting to pounce. Like a mighty ocean whose's waves had been quieted in a temporary respite. She took a deep breath. "I'm not asking you to keep what happened here to yourself, I'm begging you to. I feel guilty every minute of every day. I'm begging you not to add to it. If you turn yourself in, I'll feel like it was my fault," Finn whispered. The flame in her eyes extinguished as if a shadow had overcast her entire persona. She pressed a button on the PADD next to the couch and the door made a small noise. "You're free to go," Finn whispered once more.

His anger evaporated at hearing the anguish in her voice and he returned to the couch as well. "What guilt... why are you feeling guilty? For what? Losing your fingers wasn't your fault, it was that of those who captured you. It's no more your fault, than losing my eye or voice was mine." Or so counselors, and others, kept telling him.

A tear slipped out and rolled down Finn's cheek. She shook her head as if disagreeing with something. "I can't, I'm..." The words tumbled from her mouth as she reached for her glass again. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I don't know if I ever will be. I'm sorry," she whispered.

He gave a single nod. "You should see Savin, when you are," he suggested. "Do you have anyone, who could stay with you, for now?" He wasn't sure he should leave her on her own now. Going on his own experiences, he was sure he really shouldn't.

"I'm sure I could find someone to stay, but you know as well as I do that I won't ask anyone to do that." Finn's hand shook slightly as she took another sip from her glass, exhausted. Drained from the upheaval of anger and sorrow. Her stomach made a noise and Finn wondered when the last time was that she'd eaten anything but was too spent to really care. "I'll be fine, you can go," she said with a half smile to reassure him.

"Are you sure?" His prior anger had evaporated and had been replaced with genuine concern. "Promise me Finn... I want your word that you will call if at any given time you feel like giving in to the darkness. Promise me... you are not alone."

"I feel like I should be worried about you, not the other way around. I've seen your memories remember? Will you be ok?" She asked in return.

"If i wouldn't be, I wouldn't be cleared for duty and wouldn't be assigned here. What you saw, happened several years ago. No I will never be my old self again and it will always haunt me. But...I find my experiences enable me to be of use to others in ways a counselor may not be able to help. As long as it's remembered that I'm by no means qualified for that....that's ultimately for the counselor. So yes...I'll be fine, eventually." He watched her intently, fully aware of the fact she hadn't given him her promise like he had demanded.

Finn nodded. "I'll make you a deal. I'll call, if you promise to not turn yourself in for your transgressions. Deal?"

Knowing he probably wouldn't be able to keep that promise because of his own feelings of guilt, he nodded anyway. Also because part of him knew she probably wouldn't call him. "Fine," he answered.

"Fine isn't a promise NVeid. We're too much alike to think I don't know your tricks. I do know them, because they're mine too," she sighed. "Maybe you should stay. We can lock ourselves in a stalemate. I can't be left alone and you can't turn yourself in."

"That is acceptable," he relented, somehow pleased to have found his match. "Since I am not going anywhere.... perhaps we should get something to eat?"

"Help yourself, replicator is over there," she waved towards it across the room. Finn herself didn't feel much like eating. Instead she curled her legs into her chest and put her chin on her knees in thought.

"Can I get you anything?" He asked as he walked over, his expression still one of concern. "Meanwhile... Why don't you tell me something about yourself? Something... amusing perhaps?"

"Chicken noodle soup, it's in my favorites listing," Finn replied realizing that going hungry wasn't going to help anything. The family recipe had been used to cure every ailment. She even replicated some and had taken it to Xavier when he had caught that virus. Maybe it would help, she thought.

"Something amusing? Hmm," she thought for a moment. It was a struggle to push past all of the darker memories from her recent experiences, but eventually, some light shimmered to the surface. "My best friend Tavin and I once went on a multiple-month mission to convince our parents that we needed a dog. Over time we started filling our quarters with dog toys, we made multiple slideshows for our families, and had expos where we walked through them and explained all of the benefits of having a pet on a starship. We started leaving pictures of happy children with dogs all around our quarters. We even modified our replicators to only produce dog food for a while. It got a little out of hand," she let out a small chuckle.

"Did it work though?" He asked as he returned with two bowls of chicken noodle soup. "Did you get a dog in the end?"

"One dog, yes. Winston. We had to share him. Tavin would keep him for one week and then I'd keep him the next. We were quite the trio and we got into plenty of trouble together," Finn smiled. "What about you, any pets in your younger years?"

"No. I've never had time for a pet, nor were my living conditions suitable. I'm afraid that's that now, I wouldn't even know what to do with one." Carefully, he tasted the soup. "This is quite nice..."

"Family recipe. Growing up I was told it cured everything. I guess we'll just have to see how true that is," Finn took a spoonful of the bowl's contents and was instantly washed with a sense of contentment. It may not have lasted long, but it was the first time she'd felt like she was home again in some time. "What's something amusing from your past?"

"Something amusing...." That took some really hard thinking and deep digging. "I actually don't know... Maybe when I was about four or five, going camping with my parents? We couldn't get the shelter set up as the ground was way too hard, so my father decided we'd just sleep out in the open." He paused. "I didn't know any better at the time than that he was my father....He was someone I looked up to and greatly respected."

"I guess we share that in common too. My dad is my hero. My mom is too, but I've always shared more commonalities with my dad, including a name. It's one of the most important things to me, living up to his name," she said softly, a ripple of shame tearing through her. What would her dad think about what she had done? Surely he'd be ashamed that his daughter had allowed a man she should've protected to be tortured and ultimately left for dead.

"I barely saw my parents after the Tal Shiar came for me. Even so, I'd like to think my parents formed the basis for who I am today, despite the short time I had with them." He paused, looking up sharply. The emotion was so intense he had no hope of not sensing it. The sense of shame was so strong... "Why?" He asked, seemingly out of the blue as he put his bowl aside.

"Huh? Why what?" Finn asked.

"You are emitting a very strong sense of shame...." He held up a hand. "You don't have to discuss it but it's so strong... I'd like to understand..."

"I don't know how I continue to forget that you're a telepath, but somehow I do. This is why though. Why I've never loved being around telepaths. I don't want other people to have to feel what I'm feeling," Finn took another sip of her drink and sighed as set back on the table. "I look up to my father, my grandfather before him, and my great grandmother before that. Seven generations running of Starfleet or Marine engineers with nothing but impeccable records. It's somewhat of a legacy. One that was passed down to me, Finnley Quinn Keating the Seventh." It was clear how proud she was of her family heritage. "None of them would've done what I've done. That sense you're feeling comes from me knowing I've ruined all of it. The one thing I cherished most. If my dad knew what had happened, I doubt he'd even be able to look at me."

"You held on. You survived where plenty would have given in. I have no doubt they would be proud of your achievements. Whatever it is that you did, according to you....how can it be so bad? Is it worse than being a traitor?"

"I am a traitor, NVeid. A traitor to someone I should have protected," with that Finn stood up. "I'm going to bed. You're welcome to stay, the couch is pretty comfy and there are blankets in that basket. You're still free to leave. Turn yourself in if you want, I don't care if it makes me feel guilty anymore. Maybe I deserve it anyway."

"No... you are no traitor...you didn't betray anyone. Noone here will consider you as such." Leaning forward, he reached for her good hand and held it between his own. "As far as I'm aware, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were terribly hurt, and there was nothing you could've done differently." He paused. "I will stay here...just case."

Finn gave a curt nod and then walked into her bedroom, convinced that NVeid knew nothing of what he was talking about. She was a traitor. She had betrayed Silnan. She had betrayed her family. She had betrayed everyone.

NVeid watched her go with a look of sadness in his eyes. He so wanted to understand why she felt this way. While he was no counselor, he knew he was well suited to at least support her in this due to his own experiences. "Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?"

"No," she said, not even looking to meet his eyes. Finn hated meds of any kind and beyond that, she felt it would be cheating. She deserved the nightmares that came every time she turned the lights out.

The door closed behind her and Finn crawled into the bed where she once found comfort. Now, however, it held only the promise of torment and pain. She tossed and turned for hours, both wanting to sleep and not wanting to let the agony of night in, but finally the dark won and Finn drifted into a deep slumber.

Feeling uneasy, NVeid settled himself on the couch, finding it indeed surprisingly comfortable. Unlike Finn, he fell asleep almost immediately, even though it was light sleep. Years of training and years of simple need had made him a light sleeper, but able to fall asleep quickly in order to get as much as possible in a short time.