Live and Let Die

Posted on Mon Jul 18th, 2022 @ 9:12pm by NVeid tr'Rehu & Lieutenant Commander Finnley Keating VII

Mission: Character Development
Location: Finn's Quarters
Timeline: In between Missions, after 'Three's Company'
1742 words - 3.5 OF Standard Post Measure

Finn sat in silence a while longer, still in shock over the memories he had just shared without warning. She felt a whole range of emotions but above them all was sadness for what NVeid had experienced. It wasn't the same as her experience, but it was still awful. "I'm sorry you had to go through that NVeid, and I'm sorry for getting upset earlier. You didn't deserve that."

Perhaps not the same, but he knew she could draw from those experiences and how he had dealt with it over the years. "You have every right to be upset," he told her, still not looking up, "and I understand why you would be too. But perhaps now you will trust me when I say that I do understand, and that there are very few on this ship who do know what you are going through. But maybe, now you understand why I do say you need to take it slow. Keeping busy is alright, but it's the with what that matters. You don't want to appear weak, but everyone knows these things take time, and that it's alright to slow down. Them doing extra work is no burden to them, and it shouldn't be one to you."

"NVeid, I'm sorry for what you went through. It was...awful," Finn looked at him with knowing eyes. Every one of those memories brought pain and sadness and she knew to an extent that he felt some of what she was feeling now. "But it's not the same," she whispered. "You were doing your job and you knew when to stop. You rescued him." In some ways she was actually jealous. He had succeeded where she had not. He rescued that boy, but she hadn't brought Silnan home.

"I don't understand why you don't think I can keep busy with work. You should understand. I need the distraction. It's the only thing that keeps them at bay." The nightmares are what she meant. A tear cascaded down her face and she quickly wiped it away. In truth, she had barely slept since she'd gotten back. Every time she closed her eyes all she saw was a repeat of what happened in the cells.

"Work shouldn't serve as a distraction," he advised, "what if you make mistakes?"

"Engineering can be dangerous work, I know. I take extra care and precautions to make sure I don't make mistakes. In fact, all work, including my own, is double-checked by another engineer if it affects any safety system or could be hazardous to the crew. I learned that lesson a long time ago. I trust you to do your job NVeid, trust that I know how to do mine. No matter what my personal circumstances are," she said firmly but gently. She understood that he was, in his own way, trying to protect her from what he went through, but Finn didn't need help. At least, as far as she was concerned, she was doing just fine.

"I'm incapable of doing your job and it's not up to me to clear you for duty. I'm afraid that's up to the chief medical officer and chief counselor. I can only do what I have done now... and even then I have crossed a line...."

"Both of which haven't stopped me from working. I know it's not up to you to clear me, I'm just asking that you trust me. Though I guess that's a little hypocritical of me isn't it? And yes, you did cross a line, but it took a lot for you to share that, I'm sure," Finn said, trying to remain positive. She wondered if his nightmares would creep into her dreams as well. Nevertheless, she could handle it. She could take it all and bury it so deep it would never resurface. She could take his pain and her own. Although she hadn't liked it, there was no sense in turning him in for simply trying to help.

Finn looked NVeid in the eyes with a kindness that not many had the privilege of seeing. "It's ok. I understand." In some ways, she wished she could share her own memories to make him see how she felt, but she wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure if she ever would be.

"No...you don't." Slowly, he shook his head. "You're not a telepath, you can't possibly understand. You're well within your rights to report it to security."

"I know, but I won't do it. Maybe I don't understand everything, but I think I understand why you shared it. It's too hard to talk about it, showing it is difficult but easier and you wanted me to know that you went through something similar. You wanted me to experience what you did so that I didn't go down the same path. Am I wrong?"

"Showing is easier, for me yes," NVeid acknowledged, "but it's also the coward's way out. Talking helps with processing. Except for half half my life, including when all that happened, I couldn't. Telepathy was a last resort, it still is... I was frowned upon, shut out and treated as vermin, for being a telepath. Until I fled to the federation. Until then, all I had was a PADD to type on, or sign. My PADD got an audio feature later on, my typing was rendered to speech, until a very young doctor dared to do this surgery. It was innovative and none had dared to before...I am forever grateful to him for giving me a voice."

"I can't imagine how difficult it all was. I'm glad you finally got your voice back though," Finn replied simply, unsure of what else to say to the man whose memories she now shared.

NVeid leaned back in his seat, hands tightly folded together. "I knew no better, at the time. Sign has become second nature, though it took a while to learn and master. Now I need to unlearn it. It was difficult to communicate during my duties as a surgeon, but I was expected to use my telepathy for interrogation purposes. It was... difficult."

Finn sat in silence, letting him talk. She didn't want to push for information but knew from what she had seen that he didn't want pity either. So, instead, she too sat back against the couch with her legs curled up to the side to listen.

After he had spoken, he suddenly fell silent, not sure what else to say. He fidgeted a little, the heavy silence uncomfortable but he really was at a loss now, so he just watched her, watching him.

Finn finally broke the silence with a sigh. "Where do we go from here?" She asked.

"I don't know. That's up to you, isn't it?" He wasn't quite sure what exactly she was referring to, so his answer might as well cover all the options.

"Up to me? I'm not going to call security if that's what you mean."

"Abruptly, the Romulan stood. "Then I will," he stated as he started towards the door.

"Don't you dare," she stood right behind him and grabbed him by the shoulder. She knew that he didn't like to be touched either, but that was too bad. Finn wasn't going to let him turn himself in for trying to help.

Yanking himself free, he turned around. "Then you should," he answered harshly, dark eyes blazing. "But you won't so I will. You didn't consent, it is the gravest transgression for a telepath to make..."

"Stop it." Finn spat back with equal ferocity. "Stop telling me what to do, dammit! You don't know what's best for me. You don't get to beat yourself up for my sake," she looked at him with an unwavering stubborn gaze. "Sit back down, now." She said, tired of hearing him tell her how she should live her life. It was her turn to make demands now.

"And yet you tell me what I shouldn't do? What is the right thing to do?" He turned to face her but didn't sit back down. "You're right, I don't know what is best for you, because I don't really know you do I? You don't give people a chance to get to know you. Instead you think you have solitary rights on not sharing and ignoring what you should do." His anger was visible, perhaps even palpable.

Finn balled her hands into a fist. Why couldn't he get it through his thick skull? "I don't have to let people know me. I don't have to share anything I don't want to. I'm not ignoring what I should do, I'm just working through things the way I want to do it and there's nothing wrong with that, why can't you understand that?!"

"Because you want to do it on your own...and you won't trust me on my experience in this. Don't do this alone. Talk to people, let them in and let them help!"

"Shut, up!" Finn screamed, unable to listen to another round of the repeating record NVeid kept playing. "How am I supposed to trust you when you won't trust me? And if you won't trust me, why won't you trust Ki or Savin? They cleared me. I saw your experience. I felt it. It wasn't the same. Why won't you just leave me alone to work it out? Why the hell does it matter to you? It's none of your business!" Her chest heaved with anger and her blood boiled with friction from an internally raging war. On the one hand, she was furious with him, but on the other, she couldn't help but to still feel for him after having experienced his past. It was the only thing keeping her fists by her side.

He stood frozen, steeling himself, her anger washing over him, engulfing him. "Fine." He took a step back. "Suit yourself then." He turned again and started for the door a second time. "But when you do break, don't you dare claim I didn't come to warn you about it!"

"You underestimate me, NVeid," Finn said as he turned. "Promise me you won't turn yourself in."

"That's not a promise I can make," he answered tightly as he reached the door.

"It won't matter, I'll deny anything happened," Finn warned. She wouldn't let him use her as a tool to punish himself.

"There was a witness," NVeid reminded her, "good night lieutenant."