Nightmares

Posted on Mon Jul 13th, 2020 @ 4:03am by Lieutenant Commander Savin & Commander Taeler Santu M.D.

Mission: In the Family
Location: Savin's Quarters
Timeline: Late Evening
2423 words - 4.8 OF Standard Post Measure

Fists clenched, Santu was pacing her room. She hated it, she hated that she could still remember the smell of the mines, the sound of her friends being flogged, the smirk on the Gul's face. That gross lizard had taken so much of her life away and there was nothing she could do to ever get it back. The worst thing was that he was still chipping away at her confidence, at her happiness, decades down the road. The situation on the planet's surface had stirred it all up. The reports she had written, and read, afterwards had done nothing to put her mind at ease, in fact it had only strengthened the anxiety she had felt because of it. She took in a sharp breath through her nose and held it for a moment. Trying to contain it. She knew she had to go to the counsellor but she also didn't want to be taken off duty, sent back to San Fransisco, or worse, Bajor.

Her hand swiftly tapped the comm badge. That had been the first step, the computer awaited her command. The words seem to stick in her throat and she hit it again closing the channel. Another sharp breath in through her nose, slowly allowing it to escape through her teeth. A whistling wind making her frustrations audible. She tapped the comm badge again, "Commander Taeler to Lieutenant Savin." She fell silent. This was a terrible idea. She closed the channel again, hoping that Savin hadn't been notified, that somehow the channel had been audio-only and his aide hadn't been nearby to draw his attention. Maybe she just needed to finish that bottle of spring wine she had opened with Kane.

Unfortunately for her, the call had come through and Savin frowned as the call was suddenly cut off. He read the message on his PADD interface again, unable to determine any urgency from the written transcript. Eyes on his PADD, he tapped his comm badge. "Savin to Taeler, your call was abruptly terminated, are you alright?"

"Shit," Santu said under her breath, just her luck. She tapped the comm badge to accept the incoming hail, "Hi, hey. Yeah. Sorry. Must've accidentally hit my comm badge again," she laughed a bit nervously before letting out a sigh, "can I come over and talk to you?" She knew it was outside of his office hours, but maybe she just needed some out of office hours Savin right now.

"Of course commander." The counselor's frown deepened, unaware of her nervous laugh. "I am in my quarters." He wondered why she called now though, rather than during his duty hours. "Come over when you feel ready ma'am."

"Yes. Sure. Alright." Santu hit the comm badge once more to close the channel. If she had to wait to feel ready then it was going to be quite a while still until she showed up in front of his door, but she knew that now that she had set this in motion she couldn't simply not show up. He would ask all kinds of awkward questions. Questions she didn't really want to answer. She grabbed her shoes and tied her hair in a sloppy bun before stepping out of her room, she hadn't bothered to put on her uniform jacket and started to make her way over to the counsellor's quarters in state of disarray.

The door opened upon her arrival, having been keyed to do so for this instance. Savin did his best not to stare as he stood to meet her. "Commander?" he queried carefully, as he took in her state of disarray. He had not seen her in such a manner of undress before, having expected the impeccable officer he'd come to know her as so far. "Please sit... can I get you some tea?"

"Oh please. Something calming?" Santu stepped inside and made a beeline for the couch, sitting herself down and immediately slumping. It was good to be in a room with another person, and not just with her own thoughts, "I think there's a Terran herb, camel-miles or something?"

'Chamomile," Savin answered as he backed towards his replicator. "Two chamomile tea with honey," he requested, then briefly turned to take two large tea glasses from the device. He returned to the sitting area, setting one glass in front of her. "I have never seen you so dishevelled before ma'am," he started quietly, "is this because of what happened on the planet?"

Santu blinked a bit, looking up to see a strand of her blond hair hang over her eyebrow, she quickly tucked it behind her ear, "No." She took a sip and sighed, "Well maybe." Another sip of the steaming hot drink, the warmth glowing from inside of her, "I'm going to go back to no. Not really at least." She shook her head, she was not really making a good impression so far, she realised, "it's complicated."

He was tempted to give her a brush so she could make herself presentable, and offer her the chance to look more dignified, however he resisted the idea. Instead he leaned back in his chair, slowly sipping his tea. "We have time," he offered. After all it was his own time to offer, wasn't it? And it really looked like she needed someone to talk to. "Why not start at the beginning, as little or as much as you are willing to share?"

"I think the beginning would be a bit far back," Santu gave a bit of a tired smile, "everything that happened on the planet stirred memories that I've worked very hard to 'process' and leave in the past." She left a moment of silence as she took a long sip of her tea, "Ever since coming back to the ship I've had nightmares," she stared into the liquid of her tea, "I've not had those kinds of nightmares in over ten years."

"Can you tell me about your nightmares?" It was a simple question, though in his experience as counselor, his patients often found it very difficult to describe, or even talk about their feelings. Especially senior officers seemed to hate being vulnerable. "You are safe here," he offered, "nothing will happen here."

"It's the same old post-traumatic bullshit I should have gotten over ten years ago," Santu suddenly blurted out. She ran a hand through her hair, only serving to make it more of a mess, "I really felt that I had turned a corner on that, you know? No more cold sweats, no more trembling hands. No more tensing up when someone raised their voice in my general direction." She shook her head, "You probably read my psych profile," She looked Savin intently in the eyes, seeing how he'd respond to that.

He gave her a quiet nod. "I did," he admitted, "but reading a report, and having your patient talk about it themselves are not the same. When did you start having nightmares again? Before we went for Paratus, or after we returned?" He briefly got up, then returned with a brush, offering it to her. Perhaps it would help her to give her some posture, something to occupy herself with as she sorted through her nightmares. "Can you describe your most recent experience?"

Santu was taken aback a bit by being referred to as a patient, she shook it off with a short shiver running down her spine, "After we returned," Santu shook her head, it was stupid, she wasn't in the streets of Bajor when her people gave the final push to the Cardassians, she hadn't been in that kind of environment. But the desperation in some of these people, the kids they had come across in the underground railway system. It had all been a bit too... familiar. The feelings, not the setting, "it jogged memories, experiences from during the occupation and the camp after that. That was my entire youth. Seeing those kids. I knew what they were headed towards. I wanted to take them away from that. They don't deserve any of that," another shake of the head, "they must've felt..." she was struggling to find the right words, "desperate."

"They were desperate," Savin supplied, "but they were young, and they will move on with the proper guidance. I am, at present, more concerned about you. You felt you were reliving your youth when we were down in the tunnels, yet you made sure all of us were safe. That is a show of strength commander, you did not leave us behind even when we suggested you should. Your experience, made you into who you are now."

"You don't want to know how often I've heard that," Santu looked down at her tea, "Honestly I'd love to be someone else if that meant I could trade in some of those experiences." She put the cup on the table and grabbed the brush, taking her hairband out before brushing her blond locks down into submission, she looked over at Savin and realised he probably hadn't caught any of what she had just said, "Sometimes I wish I had other experiences, even if that meant I'd be a different person."

"Isn't that the wish of all?" Savin asked curiously. "There are days I wish I had not been born deaf, that surgery had worked. But if it had, we would not be here now. And I actually do prefer who I am now. Experiences make us who we are, and learning to give them a place is what makes us stronger." He paused, watching her brush her hair and actually liking what he saw. "You should wear your hair down more often," he suggested, offering the slightest of smiles.

Santu wondered why he felt it necessary to comment that, "I don't need your pity, counsellor," it was unfair to take it out on Savin, but it seemed like the easiest way out, "I'm sorry," not that she could keep that up, it just wasn't like her to take out things on other people, "I've just missed so many things in my life because of my circumstances, same as you probably, and..." she shook her head as she continued to brush her hair, it had an oddly calming effect, "sometimes it just becomes too much. Especially in times like these when wraiths from my past seem intent to haunt me."

"It is alright if matters become too much." He gave her another smile. "I would not pity you ma'am, never. I do not judge either, that is not what I am here for." He took another sip of his tea as he gave her his full attention. "How would you like me to help you? What do you need, other than someone to talk to?"

Santu shook her head, she had not the faintest clue. She hadn't really wanted to come here in the first place. It was the measurement for the dress that had triggered all of it. The fact that the one on Paratus had been with an open back. The fact that the scars from her past were still clearly visible and reminding her of the fact that she was damaged in the past. "I still smell it," she shook her head, it didn't make sense, "everything else is vague. The sounds, the pain, the thoughts, the faces of the people. But that smell. It never leaves me. The stank of blood and sweat and urine." She stopped brushing, "when I wake up that's all I can do. Smell the waste of the people that were flogged, sometimes to the brink of death." She felt the contents of her stomach start to make its way up. She pushed down, gagging. Resisting.

"Let it out," Savin suggested calmly, though he wasn't looking forward to the mess. "Do not hold back commander, let it out." He swallowed a few times, preparing to hold his breath as he held on to his tea. "The mind is not equipped to remember faces, but it is equipped to remember impressions, and scents." He shifted now, gently gathering her hair together, to hold it out of the way. "Let it out," he repeated gently, "do not worry about the mess."

Santu shook her head, then stood up and rushed for the lavatory, she might've been a complete mess she was not going to throw up on a colleague's table. She felt that the counsellor had followed her, holding on to her hair as if it had been his sole mission. She barely made it to the toilet when she buckled over and landed on her knees hard, spewing out her dinner and the tea she had drunk moments before. Tears started flowing from her eyes as another wave of nausea washed over her, followed by another bout of throwing up. The gagging turned into sobbing, turning into crying as she curled up against Savin.

"Shhhh," he soothed, reaching up for a towel to offer to her. "You will be alright, I am here to help you, and we will find a way for you to get through this." He helped her up onto her feet, then led her towards his bed. "Perhaps you should rest for now," he said, sensing her exhaustion. "I will not be far if you have need of me and wish to talk further. Just wake me, when you do."

All sorts of protestations started in her mind but never made it to her voice, it actually sounded kind of nice to be sleeping near someone else that would be there to take care of her when she startled awake, "Thank you..." was all she was able to muster as Savin guided her to the bed.

Carefully, he pulled off her boots, then pulled a light blanket over her. "Rest," he suggested, "I will sleep on the couch, or on the floor if you prefer. Remember, I will not hear you if you call, you will have to physically wake me." Trying the comm wouldn't help either as the alert system was connected to his bed making it vibrate at sufficient frequency to wake him in an emergency.

"I'll remember that, thanks again," At least Santu could rest assured that if she screamed herself awake she wouldn't bother Savin too much with that. Another rumination she hadn't really the energy to contemplate further. Her eyes closed and she sighed heavily as she entered yet another restless sleep.

Savin watched her for a moment, then went to prepare himself for the night.