Meanwhile, in Space - Part 3

Posted on Sun Sep 29th, 2024 @ 7:18pm by Ensign Rimal Iska & Lieutenant Sturgis O'Connell & Ensign Charlotte (Charlie) Washington

Mission: Into the Qniverse
Location: USS Athena :: Engineering
1527 words - 3.1 OF Standard Post Measure

"Someone get me a net!" Sturgis uncharacteristically shouted across the engineering room. "I want this thing caught before it starts chewing wires!"

"Uh, excuse me, Lieutenant O'Connell?" Charlie walked up from behind the man. "Can I ask what's going on here?"

"Ensign Washington," he momentarily turned to acknowledge he presence. "I was just about to call ops. Some sort of replicator issue. I made my usual tarkalean tea, but instead I got a Cardassian vole!"

"We had a similar problem in the mess hall. Whatever the problem is, it must be affecting the whole ship. I tried to repair the mess hall replicator with no luck. I was hoping perhaps we could put our heads together to solve the issue. In the meantime, I have someone that might be able to help you with your rat problem. Ensign Iska rounded up the problems in the mess hall pretty quickly." Charlie said.

"In that case, get your friend down here and lets get to work," Sturgis smiled. He loved it when the solution to a problem presented itself at his doorstep.

Charlie nodded and tapped her combadge. "Washington to Iska, if you're done in the mess hall please report to engineering. We could use some help down here."

[[ I'll be a minute, things got weird in the mess hall after you left, ]] was the reply.

"I suppose we can start on some diagnostics in the meantime," Sturgis motioned towards a nearby console and Charlie nodded in agreement.

About a minute or two later, Iska came jogging into engineering, a couple pieces of confetti fluttering out of his hair and leaving a trail on the ground. Spotting Charlie, he ran up to her before putting his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "You needed... help down here?" he asked, between breaths.

"Yea," Charlie poked out from behind a panel. "You think you can help the engineers catch the Cardassian vole running around? They're terribly helpless," Charlie pointed to the group of engineers scattered about doing a very poor job of corralling the creature. If anything, the creature was doing a better job of corralling them. "We think soon we'll have this fixed, then we can do another test."

The look Iska gave in response suggested that he'd rather be back in the mess hall chaos. "I'm a security officer, not a zookeeper!" He exclaimed, before grudgingly heading over to where the vole was harassing the engineers.

"Isn't that basically the same thing?" Charlie shrugged before returning to the console.

A few minutes passed before Iska returned, dead vole in hand. "I owe you one, ensign," Sturgis said, truly grateful that someone had been able to catch the grotesque animal. "I think we're about ready to give this another test. The parameters should be all set now, so it should be fine, but let's be ready just in case." He backed up a few steps and instructed the others to do the same. "Here goes nothin'...black coffee..."

Iska awkwardly held the dead vole for a few seconds before putting it down, deciding to prepare himself for whatever was going to come out of the replicator next.

A few long seconds passed. Nothing happened.

"Well, I guess we fixed part of the problem anyway," Charlie noted.

"Right, but we still need it to produce what we ordered." Sturgis tweaked a few items and reset the system once more before ordering yet another black coffee.

This time without hesitation, matter started to swirl on the replicator pad. When it settled, an extremely large coffee cup appeared. "Well, at least it got the coffee right, just a little too much for my taste." Sturgis picked up the cup, but then a green jar flew out of opening where the coffee should have been. He looked at the jar, and then towards his two companions as the jar very neatly landed itself on the ground. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"What is it?" Charlie moved to pick the odd item up, but just as she started to reach, the jar expanded. It grew quickly to match their own height before the lid to the jar popped off and three large green pickles with faces popped out from the top. "What the..."

Before Charlie could get another word out, all three pickle started to sing in a loud chorus...

"We are the pickles, green and bright,
A salty chorus, a tasty sight.
We've got a crunch, a tangy zest,
The best condiment, put to the test.

We're pickled and preserved, a salty crew,
We sing and dance, a pickled view.
So let's hear it for the pickles, hooray!
We're here to stay, come what may!"

"What in the name of the Prophets..." Iska muttered, watching the pickles with confusion. For good measure, he slapped himself to check if he was hallucinating, but unfortunately the strange performance remained. "No offense, you two, but-" As Iska spoke, the pickles gradually increased in volume:

"We're on the shelves, in jars so grand,
A tasty treat throughout the land.
We're pickled, sliced, or spear-shaped too,
We're always ready, me and you."

"-how did you make it worse??" By the time Iska finished his sentence, he had to raise his voice quite a bit, as if he were talking over a noisy crowd at a sports game.

"How do we get rid of them? They're too big to recycle back into the replicator." Charlie noted and just as she did, 2 additional pickles popped up from the jar. Their shape was similar to the first three, yet there were ridges where one might presume a pickle's forehead to be.

"Are those...klingon pickles?" Sturgis asked, his jaw practically on the floor in both amazement and confusion. The fierce warrior pickles then began to sing, even louder than the previous pickles.

"We are the pickles, klingon strong,
Our brine is fierce, our crunch is long,
From jar to plate, we'll bold go,
To conquer taste buds every foe!"

The three officers stared in utter silence. The idea of a giant jar of singing pickles was odd enough, but Klingon pickles singing a perfectly craft pickle themed Klingon dirge? Well that wasn't on anyone's mission bingo card.

"Klingon pickles, fear our might,
Our tangy flavor, shining bright,
We'll dominate with every bite,
A pickle power, pure delight.

We'll honor Kahless, with every crunch,
And conquer stomachs, with every lunch."

Iska's face slightly scrunched as the volume got even louder. It was as if he were back at the Academy again during the lunch break. Some words left his mouth, but they were drowned out by the singing. If the pickles could shut up for just a few seconds, maybe they could actually think. "Can you be quiet, please???" Iska shouted at the pickles as loud as he could.

"Let's beam it out. We'll never get any work done with these things yelling!" Sturgis shouted over the pickles and motioned for Charlie to work the transport controls next to her. A few moments later and engineering was quieter than Sturgis could remember it ever having been. There was the dull pulsing noise of the warp engines but no other noise at all. Not even the scuffle of feet as everyone in the department seemed to have frozen in place, staring at the spot where a giant jar of pickles had just been.

"Alright alright," Sturgis said, though he really couldn't blame them for staring. "Everyone back to work. No using the replicators until instructed otherwise."

There was a pause, then the other engineers gradually got back to work.

For a few seconds, a ringing lingered in Iska's ears at the sudden lack of noise, and he shook his head. "Since when do the replicators produce sentient beings?" he asked.

"Something else must be going on...we did everything by the book to fix the replicator. They should work. At the very least, they shouldn't be producing singing pickles," Sturgis replied. "Something else is at play here and we'd better figure it out, and fast. In the meantime, Ensign Iska, can you send out a ship wide announcement that all replicators are not to be utilized until otherwise notified?"

Iska opened how mouth to acknowledge, but was interrupted by his communicator chirping. "Iska," he said into it.

[[ Iska, we've got a... uh... problem on deck ten. Someone tried to replicate some conduit and... well, the replicator produced a giant snake instead. ]]

Man, what Iska would do to be in Zade's shoes right now. With a heavy sigh, Iska responded, "Ok, I'll be right there. Don't use the replicators, please." Giving Sturgis a look that silently asked him to find a solution to this as quickly as possible, the Bajoran moved to a console and set up a shipwide announcement. "If I can have everyone's attention, please. Uh, this is Ensign Iska, acting security chief while... you know. There have been reports of the replicators acting strange, so please don't use the replicators. Thanks." With that, he ended the call before quickly leaving Engineering to go deal with this snake that someone replicated.