Silent Suffering

Posted on Thu Apr 21st, 2022 @ 10:23pm by Lieutenant Xavier Leiko & Jerant van Rijn

Mission: Character Development
Location: Operations office
Timeline: a few hours after "Encouragement"
1459 words - 2.9 OF Standard Post Measure

As promised, though just a little later than intended, Jerant went to seek out his friend. He wasn't sure how Xavier would take the visit, or even if he wanted to see him. but he had made a promise. He lingered just outside the offices for a minute or so, trying to figure out for himself how to do this. The fact that he couldn't sense much of anything either was a serious hindrance, especially between the two of them. Especially, when Jerant wanted to be an open book to him.

Finally, he walked up and stuck his head around the doorframe. "Hey Xav, you due for a break anytime soon? Wanna go for a walk?"

Xavier was sat at his desk surrounded by a pile of PADD and several half drank, and very cold, cups of coffee. He looked up as he heard the voice, one of the things he had to get used to was people 'sneaking' up on him, how did other species get used to that? "Hey Jerant," he said less enthusiastically than he had intended. "I actually have a lot of work to do, missing a scheduled stop at a starbase, especially after using a lot of our supplies on the last mission, has caused a bit of a logistical nightmare. You okay?" He added, a bit of an afterthought.

"Depends on how you look at it," Jerant admitted as he inched in a little further, "physically, I'm fine...just a little tired and lacking on proper energy to do things. Mentally....that's a different one. You?"

"I'm coping," Xavier said stubbornly. He ran his hands through his dark hair as he leaned back in his chair. "Maybe you should speak to the counsellor if you're not doing too well?"

"I don't think he can help me much in that area," Jerant retorted, coming up to the desk. "And I don't think you're coping at all.. you're avoiding people and you're burying yourself in work. That's not coping, that's hiding. But maybe we can help each other, I'm positive our telepathy will come back, and I think we need to keep trying to use it. Together."

Xavier's head whipped up to look at Jerant, "yours isn't back either?" He asked.

"No. I have the occasional flash of something but I can't tell who what or where. It's too random and too short to make anything of it. The silence is frustrating but I'm trying to deal with it. I'm just trying to be among people, hoping I get something, anything." He smiled sadly. "Maybe you should try that too..."

Xavier's head drooped sadly, "I don't even have that." He thought about Jerant's suggestion, he had considered it but being around so many people and not being able to 'hear' them just felt wrong. It was like a constant reminder that he was defective, a true mongrel of Betazed. "I'd rather surround myself with my work," he said truthfully, "at least it's productive."

Slowly, Jerant walked around the desk to be on the same side as Xavier. "You're not alone in this," he promised, "and working too much isn't productive. That's still hiding." He smiled gently, reaching to make him look up and caressed his cheek. "I won't let you be alone in this. And I know your other friends won't either..."

"Other friends?" Xavier repeated. Did Jerant even know his other friends? Why would he mention... "Wait, is that why you're here? Did he send you to check on me?" He asked as he pulled away from the touch.

"I'm here because I want to be," Jerant explained, "I'm only sorry it took me a while and also because I wanted to give you some space because I thought you needed and wanted it. He didn't send me, no. He did talk to me, but he didn't send me." Which was the truth, Teyo had asked him if he would, not really if he could see Xavier. And he had wanted to do so anyway, Teyo's chat with him had only been the little push he had needed to work up the courage. "That... and I was afraid you were avoiding me," he admitted apologetically, "I had wanted to come see you sooner."

Xavier pushed back from his seat and got up, making his way around the other side of the desk. He watched the starfield behind his seat for a moment, avoiding Jerant's pleading eyes. This was something he used to do as a child, whenever he needed to calm his thoughts he would count the stars in the clear skies of Betazed. Though they were moving too fast to count now whilst the ship was at warp, the effects were still the same.

"I appreciate that you both care about me," Xavier said, choosing his words carefully, "and I know you're going through a rough patch too, so it honestly means a lot. But sometimes, I just need space, you know? This is a lot for me to deal with, both of us, there's no rule book for this. If this was a long term thing, if I were going to be disabled forever, I would confront this head-on. However, I'm hoping it isn't, and the distraction of work is what I need right now, do you get that?"

For Jerant, it was more than just 'care' because he couldn't keep ignoring his feelings for the man forever, now could he? "I do," he admitted, "and that's part of why it took me so long to come see you, as I just said. We shouldn't assume this will be forever, if anything maybe we should ask medical to help us with this and see if somehow something is still blocking our telepathy." He was grasping at straws here, he was neither a scientist nor a doctor so what did he know? But if there was one thing he did know, it was body language even if it was a little more difficult, when someone's back was turned. "How about... I just come see you when I think it's okay to, and you tell me when you do need space? Honesty will work better, than making assumptions right now," he suggested carefully. "And the other way around too? You come see me, and I tell you?"

He walked up to Xavier and stood next to him, albeit a pace or two away so not to crowd him. "I can't ignore what I feel for you, but I want to give you the space you need," he added, "fair enough?"

"I think I can manage that," Xavier said, grateful that the man was offering to give him the time he needed to get his head straight. "Also no more secret meetings with a certain Trill, please. He too has good intentions, but he doesn't always know what's best for me, despite him thinking that he does."

"He did mean well," Jerant promised, "though it wasn't a secret meeting. Heck...he just saw me in the gym and just walked up. Just give him the illusion you don't know and he'll be happy for it." He took a small step closer. "I do still want to do something, I've been wanting to do for a little while now," he said carefully, "but I need to know if you're okay with that..." He hesitated, as he studied the man, searching his expression. "I want to kiss you," he finally said, "but only if you're okay with that. As I said, I can wait, if you need more time..."

"I don't think that now is the time," Xavier said as he averted his gaze. "Sorry, like I said, everything is a bit of a mess at the moment."

"You don't need to apologize. Right now, you do need to tell me what you feel or think, same as I'm telling you." He reached up, gently caressing the other's cheek. "We will sort this out, and we'll be alright, it is just going to take time. I'll leave you to your thoughts then, but I want you to come see me after your shift. We'll do something fun." Whatever that might turn out to be.

"Maybe," Xavier said, a little evasively. "I honestly do have a lot of work to do, but I will see you soon."

"I know you do." Jerant pulled his hand back. "See you soon," he added as he turned away. I love you. he couldn't help the thought, even though he knew it probably wasn't heard anyway.

Xavier watched the man leave happy once again to be alone. Conflicted and confused he went back to work, happy for the distraction of being only half a Betazoid man.