Back into the light

Posted on Thu Feb 11th, 2021 @ 4:20am by Commander Taeler Santu M.D. & Lieutenant Commander Savin

Mission: The Shadow of Arachne
Location: Chief Counsellor's Office
Timeline: Right before leaving for shoreleave
1292 words - 2.6 OF Standard Post Measure

ON

For the first minute, Santu just sat there, forearms leaning on her knees, staring at her hands. She knew why she was here, she knew that she needed to do, but she really didn't want to be there. It was a particular sequence of events that brought out the worst in her. It wasn't her fault that she had the history that she did. It wasn't like there weren't any other officers in the fleet with that kind of emotional baggage. She lifted her head to come face to face with Savin, "So..." She really didn't know what to say or how to say it, "how can we make this as painless as possible?"

"It is only as painful as you allow it to be Santu," Savin offered gently, "and I feel that this office somehow makes it more painful for you. Do you wish to go somewhere else, where you feel more at ease?"

Santu shook her head, "No matter where I go, it'll be painful and uncomfortable, I'd rather not spread that association around more of the ship," She shifted a bit uncomfortably in the seat, "also, I prefer to be referred to as Taeler by my colleagues." It was a cultural thing, but to tell someone that they are not considered close enough to call you by the given name was awkward, especially when not a few nights ago they were holding your hair over their toilet as you wretched your guts out into the bowl.

"My apologies, I meant no offense." Savin gave a slight nod in acknowledgement. "If this is how you feel then we should contain that feeling to my office," he agreed, "what do you wish to talk about?" He could hazard a guess but he did prefer his patients to do as much of the talking with only occasional guidance or questions from him.

"I wish to talk about you signing off on my mental state so that I can return to duty. The incident that happened was a culmination of bad situations, a once in a lifetime set of circumstances, triggered by a never before seen region of the multiverse," To Santu it was a very clear cut case of external interference, something that a lot of spaceship crews had to deal with, especially in the early days of exploration.

"I can understand that, and I have no doubt this conversation is a formality," the counsellor agreed, "what did happen in the ready room? Who did you see, in place of the captain?"

Santu shrugged a bit, immediately averting her gaze, this was one of those things that she really didn't want to have to talk about. She'd had all sorts of therapy surrounding this subject and she'd left it behind. It was always there, as something that had happened to her, but the emotions had gone away from it all. Now those emotions were starting to return due to whatever that region of space was doing to them, "A spectre, from the past. Someone that I never have to face again."

"You are safe in this office," Savin gently reminded her, "what you tell me here, will never leave this room. I do not believe you to be mentally unstable. Quite the opposite actually, you seem very stable to me. Everyone has ghosts, even me. And they define you into who you are today. Will you tell me about your spectre, to help me understand?"

"But I don't want my worst years to define me," Santu said, "I have talked about my ghosts and my past for years and years, they always told me that was the only way for me to get better." she shook her head, "I refuse. He doesn't define me. He no longer has a hold over me. I am free now. I am better than he ever was. I am in a leadership role on one of the most advanced vessels in one of the most prestigious organisations in this galaxy." She pointed at the Starfleet emblem on her chest, "this defines me."

"That is not what I meant. Your past experiences, make you into the person you are today. If you had not experienced what you had, you might have chosen a different path altogether, that is what I mean." He gave her a nod of approval though. "It is good to hear that your ghosts have no hold over you, and that you feel secure in your service to Starfleet. Still, I do question whether you have resolved your fears, because you still define them as such."

Santu leaned forward, "There is no shame in admitting you fear individuals that made it their lives' work to ruin yours," she shook her head, "that's what made the encounter with that particular wraith so jarring, I had taken my life back, in my own hands. He reminded me that it's fragile. That it takes very little for people like him to get his claws back into me," she leaned back and closed her eyes, letting out a huge sigh, "I don't want anyone to have that kind of influence on me."

"True." Savin did have to agree with that. "Life is very fragile, but you do have friends now, to help you in keeping such influence away from you. Trust in your friends and colleagues to help you, and do not be afraid to ask for such help, when you think that you need it."

"I'll ask my friends for help when I need it," Santu remarked, hoping that the implication of her not needing any right now was clear enough to the counsellor, "the crew on this ship has each other's back, there's no doubt in my mind that they would catch me if I were to fall." She opened her eyes, looking at the ceiling for a moment before leaning back forward and looking at Savin, "I still need you to sign off on my mental health."

"I already told you that I do not doubt your mental stability," Savin explained patiently, "and I have no doubt you are indeed fit for duty. But I do feel that we are not done here." He held up his hand. "I will not require you to attend sessions, but I do strongly encourage you to talk about your fears, in a safe environment." Such as his office.

"I will take it under advisement, counsellor," Santu was glad to hear she'd be getting a clean bill of mental health, that meant that she could just go out and enjoy shoreleave, "I might connect with some old friends over shoreleave," she had no intention of doing so, "I'll let you know if anything comes up," equally unlikely.

"Of course." Savin wondered if she realized that lying to him was pretty useless. He made a note on a PADD, then handed it to her. "Enjoy your leave commander," he said simply. "Have fun."

"Thank you, Commander." Santu gave a polite nod, in recognition of the counsellors new rank, and got up from the chair, "we'll plan a new appointment when we both get back to the ship."

Savin merely nodded, frowning slightly at the use of his new rank. He thought he'd made it clear that he preferred not to be addressed by rank. "We will cross that bridge when we get to it commander," he answered lightly, "go enjoy your leave."

With that Santu stepped out of the counsellors office and let out a sigh of relief when she heard the doors close. She was glad to have all of that behind her and was already heading down the corridors again. She'd want to get off the ship and have some time alone as quickly as she could.